Beginning a series of classic song lyrics, what finer opener than “Ernie”, accredited to the late Benny Hill:
“You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the rattle of the wheels as they went ’round and ’round.
And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone in Lily Lane at number 22.
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie had his cocoa there three times every week.
They called him Ernie, (Ernie…),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
She said she’d like to bathe in milk, he said, “All right, sweetheart,”
And when he’d finished work that night he loaded up the cart.
He said, “D’you want it pasteurised? ‘Cause pasteurised is best,”
She says, “Ernie, I’ll be happy if it comes up to my chest.”
That tickled old Ernie, (Ernie…),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
(Head ’em up! All right!)
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker’s van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she’d seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.
He went on the make with his Dundee cake and said, “If you treat me right,
You’ll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night.”
He knew once she’d seen his macaroons he’d have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.
Poor Ernie, (Ernie…),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
One lunch time Ted saw Ernie’s horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four.
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie’s cart and didn’t half kick his ‘orse.
Whose name was Trigger, (Trigger…),
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie ran out into the street with his gold top in his hand,
He said, “If you wanna marry Susie you’ll fight for her like a man.”
“Oh, why don’t we play cards for her?” he sneeringly replied,
“And just to make it interesting we’ll have a shilling on the side.”
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick for him, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.
Now Sue, she came between them and she tried to keep them apart,
And a three-day-old rock cake caught Ernie underneath the heart.
As he doubled up in agony, the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale meat pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.
Poor Ernie, (Ernie…),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn’t wanna die,
Now he’s gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And a milkman’s life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.
But a woman’s needs are manifold and soon she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the rustle of the leaves, or the creaking of the gate?
Or Ernie’s ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate…?
They won’t forget Ernie, (Ernie…),
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west…”