Kaptain's Blog

The writings and musings of The Kaptain

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Outlook: Bleak

I have risen from the hellfire
I have no more fear of death
I accept no higher authority
Than the counsel of kith and kin
I refute all forms of greed
Hypocrisy and prejudice
I am human
I am human
I teeter on the edge of the abyss

posted by Kirk at 3:13 am  

Monday, December 20, 2010

Shit (After Iggy)

It was in the spring of my fiftieth year
That I admitted I had a problem
I was careening through the wilderness of my mind, alone,
Clutching the pillow on which my wife would normally lay her head
I sensed that some of my friends were drifting away
As if I’d begun to stink of fish
I knew that I needed to take better care of myself
If I was never to face the only thing that terrified me –
Letting down my kids
Above all, I promised that I’d never beat myself up again –
Not over anything

posted by Kirk at 7:01 am  

Monday, November 8, 2010

Silent Night

Dog tired
Can’t rest
I prowl a house
That is silent as our hearts

What would I give
For the mind
Still full of hope
And wild imagining?

The autumn weather
Drier
Cracks the teak
Once tall and living

Here naked
Exposed
The ridicule
Of going out of being

posted by Kirk at 6:08 pm  

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Eternal

Procession moves on, the shouting is over
Praise to the glory of loved ones now gone
Talking aloud as they sit round their tables
Scattering flowers washed down by the rain
Stood by the gate at the foot of the garden
Watching them pass like clouds in the sky
Try to cry out in the heat of the moment
Possessed by a fury that burns from inside

Cry like a child, though these years make me older
With children my time is so wastefully spent
A burden to keep, though they’re in a communion
Accept like a curse, an unlucky deal
Played by the gate at the foot of the garden
My view stretches out from the fence to the wall
No words could explain, no actions determine
Just watching the trees and the leaves as they fall

Ian Curtis (1956-1980)

posted by Kirk at 1:58 am  

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Year On, The Sparkle Gone

I closed the lids

On distant eyes

That told me you were gone

I kissed your brow

And promised that

We’d meet before too long

You waited for me

To return

Before you would let go

The memories

Only the two of us

Could ever know

Dear Father I am sorry

That your son

Could not eclipse

The goodness in your heart

That brought

Your loving boy such bliss

But when you left

I was not ready

To assume the part

The space you left

Too big to fill

By my devoted, lonely, shattered heart

posted by Kirk at 11:28 pm  

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sucker

I’m out on my feet:
Graceless, the backhand slap of love
Has struck me
Firmly on the cheek

Fickle friend that it is
Now it cups its mouth and sniggers-
Eyes searching left and right
Seeking the approval
Of its conniver, unbridled joy

Sucker
I imagine it mouths

And all the while, you hover
Silently, like a hawk
Looking over my shoulder, saying:
“God is not blind”

When I have witnessed
His indifference
Seen Him standing idly by
While loved ones have died

What foul work is it
That delights in the ebb and flow
Of hope and despair?

That encourages misery
To plague the thinkers;
Torment to prick
The ones who care?

There’ll be one extra space
On the bus to the next life-
I shan’t be coming, after all

Give it to the bombers
And their virgins:
Let them have a ball

Sucker.
Roll it around in your mouth

posted by Kirk at 1:11 am  

Saturday, June 20, 2009

So Many Different Lengths Of Time, By Brian Patten

For my late Dad, on Father’s day.

How long does a man live after all?
A thousand days or only one?
One week or a few centuries?
How long does a man spend living or dying?
And what do we mean when we say: “Gone forever”?

Adrift in such preoccupations, we seek clarification.
We can go to the philosophers
But they will weary of our questions
We can go to the priests and the rabbis
But they might be too busy with administrations.

So, how long does a man live after all?
And how much does he live while he lives?
We fret and ask so many questions –
Then when it comes to us
The answer is so simple, after all.

A man lives for as long as we carry him inside us
For as long as we carry the harvest of his dreams – 
For as long as we ourselves live,
Holding memories in common, a man lives.

His lover will carry his man’s scent, his touch:
His children will carry the weight of his love
One friend will carry his arguments
Another will hum his favourite tunes
Another will still share his terrors.

And the days will pass with baffled faces
Then the weeks, then the months
Then there will be a day when no question is asked
And the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
And the puffed faces will calm.

And on that day he will not have ceased
But will have ceased to be separated by death.

How long does a man live after all?
A man lives so many different lengths of time.

posted by Kirk at 11:40 pm  

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I Miss You

It happened
On the journey –
A waft of melancholy
Evoked in me a memory
Of being there with you

I miss you

Wherever you are
I hope you’re not cold
And your smile warms the hearts
Of those no longer old

I miss you

It is not if, but when
And if you love me as I know
Please now let me go
For I have much to do
Till we meet again

I miss you

posted by Kirk at 11:06 pm  

Monday, May 25, 2009

It Comes In Waves

in the car it burst
– suddenly –
from the radio:

“stairway to heaven”, it rang

i sang with Plant –
knew his lines by heart:
like you, i can imagine

and the thrill i felt
was so fresh that
it felt at once sublime

as if his words
had met my ears
this sole, enthralling time

has anyone slipped me
a mickey?
viagra for the soul, maybe:
my senses so enhanced

now for no reason
i laugh at nothing:
tempted, next,
to entwine with the unholy
and unleash the darkness
from a heart that never once
has hated

and you know that
this cannot be me at all:
but it’s
“emergency on planet kirk”
after all

hence the sobbing, uncontrollably
while i try to find the faith in me

i look at her face
and search for words
to convey the way i feel

yet can summon little passion
for those missions
in which i must deal

oh yes, it comes in waves
all right

it comes in waves…

…colossal, drowning waves

posted by Kirk at 11:59 pm  

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Will Someone Rescue Me, For I Am Lost – By The Kaptain

Will someone rescue me
For I am lost
I need to glide upon the wings of purest love
To dive into the oceans of your soul
Please will you come and rescue me
For I am lost

Will someone rescue me –
I feel I’ve died
I need a hand to guide me through this dread I hide
To take away the cloak of grief that wraps my heart
Please will you come and rescue me
For I am lost

And when the memory
Of death’s indignity
Returns to haunt me
I will anchor to your rock
Whatever tragedy
Has yet to befall me
The love you give will surely
Help me overcome

Will someone rescue me
My heart is scarred –
My faith in equity
Has been put to the sword
I need to know that
This life isn’t just a void
Please will you come and rescue me
For I am lost

And when the dreaded hour
Of waking next arrives
To wield its torment
I will seek comfort from you
Whatever life then brings –
Dark nights or brighter things
Your presence at my side
Will see that I pull through

posted by Kirk at 10:22 am  
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