Kaptain's Blog

The writings and musings of The Kaptain

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My Neighbour’s From Rumania

A song in the style of Half Man Half Biscuit:

Picked the lad up at twelve
Another round of expensive education curtailed
School had texted:
“Some cunt’s being marched to his grave”

It dismayed me to note
That his name was Abdullah, not Dave

I wonder if the martyr’s feeling smarter
In the knowledge of his part
In bringing western civilisation down?

Or is the unlucky sod still wearing his frown ferretskin stole?
(He was booked in for back waxing before the traditional Friday stoning, after all…)

Dropped by the local madrasah
Who were none the wiser
All that nutting the floor
Had ’em in a daze

Got a pizza, came home
Had a kip, got on the phone
To the missus
Who once went to Mecca
(Not the bingo, mind)

Still dismayed it was Abdullah
Not Dave

I said:
Hello dear
And asked her if she knew he was dead
She said “What: you’ve fixed the bed?”
The lines here are not always clear

And Abdullah’s gone to his grave
While Dave’s getting ready for another night
Of unIslamic rave

But at least my neighbour’s
From Rumania
A claim that most are unable to make.

More to follow (perhaps)

posted by Kirk at 7:20 am  

Sunday, November 14, 2010

No Shit (Iggy Pop)

It was in the winter of my fiftieth year
When it hit me

I was really alone
And there wasn’t a hell of a lot of time left

Every laugh and touch that I could get
Became more important

Strangely, I became more bookish
And my home and study meant more to me
As I considered the circumstances of my death

I wanted to find a balance between joy and dignity
On my way out

Above all, I didn’t want to take any more shit

Not from anybody

posted by Kirk at 5:35 pm  

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

This Must Be The Place (Excerpt)

Home is where I want to be
But I guess I’m already there
I come home. She lifted up her wings
I guess that this must be the place

I can’t tell one from another –
Did I find you or you find me?
There was a time
Before we were born
If someone asks
This is where I’ll be

We drift in and out
Sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You’ve got a face with a view
I’m just an animal
Looking for a home
And share the same space
For a minute or two

And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I’m dead
Eyes that light up
Eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head
And I got you…

David Byrne

posted by Kirk at 2:17 am  

Monday, May 25, 2009

This World Is Not The Same, By The Kaptain – Live Lyrics (A Song In 10 Minutes)

Saw my father die
Heard the PM lie
This world is not the same

I lost all the bling –
Global fucked up thing
This world is not the same

Felt my lost heart break
But will not forsake
This world is not the same

I fled to my sons
Confessing all my wrongs
This world is not the same

And broke into shards –
My soul made of glass
This world is not the same

Lou, Jimi, help me
David Bowie, help me
JK – help me
Seal…?

Forgot who I was
Crawled off the damn bus
This world is not the same

Gargling with gin
What kind of state am I in?
This world is not the same

Enough is enough
I’ve been feeling rough
This world is not the same

I am lucky in love
She’s been sent from above
This world is not the same

Lou, Jimi, help me
Peter Gabriel, help me
JK – help me
Seal…?

posted by Kirk at 10:26 am  

Monday, May 25, 2009

It’s Bliss, By The Kaptain

I think the late, great Ian Dury must’ve been with me when I penned this gem…

“It’s Bliss”

when you drape your arm across me
as we snuggle ‘neath the sheets
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

when you stroke my back to rouse me
press your thigh between my cheeks
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

you are my tangerine
my christmas stocking
my wildest dream
just when my stock is low
you lift me up with
your inner glow

oh yes, this is bliss –
you and me were made for this

when you sometimes say the wrong thing
and i know it’s just a tease
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

when the vagaries of english
leave us frazzled, on our knees
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

you are my butterball
my yummy cupcake
my afters-all
i don’t know what i did
to earn the right
to this lovely gift

oh yes, this is bliss –
someone up there wanted this

when you stare at me with wild eyes
and then rape me with that look
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

when you get a little tipsy
and won’t let me off the hook
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

you are my arctic roll
my chocolate-drizzled
profiterole
i stumble through the day
to rush back to you
and have my way

oh yes, this is bliss –
you and me were meant for this

and…

each time your facebook page
reveals a new outrage
and i climb on my high horse
i get all in a tiz
because you are the biz
i’m a jealous guy, of course…

when you pant and sigh your pleasure
as i nestle ‘tween your thighs
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

when the heavy breathing quickens
and the prick is on the rise
don’t you know that it’s bliss?

you are my haagen-dazs
my soft encasement
of carnal class
your smile just radiates
the beauty to which
i gravitate

how can i resist?

oh yes, this is bliss
was it He who gave us this?

…and when your silky skin entices
i dive in
to the pool of love divine
whatever is His plan
i’ll die a happy man
in the knowledge you were mine

oh yes,
this is bliss
i’m so glad
t’have felt like this

posted by Kirk at 2:55 am  

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Love Is Stronger Than Death, By Matt Johnson (The The)

Love, love, love…
Love, love, love…

Me and my friend were walking
In the cold light of mourning
Tears may blind the eyes, but the soul is not deceived
In this world even winter ain’t what it seems

Here come the blue skies here comes springtime
When the rivers run high and the tears run dry
When everything that dies…
Shall rise…

Love, love, love… is stronger than death
Love, love, love… is stronger than death

In our lives we hunger for those we cannot touch
All the thoughts unuttered and all the feelings unexpressed
Play upon our hearts like the mist upon our breath

But, awoken by grief, our spirits speak
How could you believe that the life within the seed
That grew arms that reached
And a heart that beat
And lips that smiled
And eyes that cried
Could ever die?

Here come the blue skies here comes springtime
When the rivers run high and the tears run dry
When everything that dies…
Shall rise…

Love, love, love… is stronger than death
Love, love, love… is stronger than death

Shall rise… Shall rise…
Shall rise… Shall rise…

posted by Kirk at 6:24 am  

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Book Of Love

This song was written by Stephin Merritt, of The Magnetic Fields.

It was covered by Peter Gabriel and featured in the film: “Shall We Dance?”

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It’s full of charts and facts and figures
And instructions for dancing

But I,
I love it when you read to me
And you,
You can read me
Anything

The book of love has music in it-
In fact, that’s where music comes from
Some of it’s just transcendental
Some of it’s just really dumb

But I,
I love it when you sing to me
And you,
You can sing me anything

The book of love is very boring
And written very long ago
It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we’re all too young to know

But I,
I love it when you give me things
And you,
You ought to give me wedding rings

You ought to give me wedding rings

posted by Kirk at 10:27 am  

Friday, February 13, 2009

Song To The Siren

“Song To The Siren”
(Larry Beckett)

Long afloat on shipless oceans
I did all my best to smile
‘Til your singing eyes and fingers
Drew me loving to your isle
And you sang
Sail to me…
Sail to me
Let me enfold you
Here I am…
Here I am
Waiting to hold you

Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks,
For you sing,
“Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow”…

O my heart,
O my heart shies from the sorrow

I am puzzled as the newborn child
I’m as riddled as the tide:
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or should I lie with Death my bride?
Hear me sing,
“Swim to me, Swim to me, Let me enfold you:
Here I am, Here I am,
Waiting to hold you…”

posted by Kirk at 3:25 pm  

Friday, January 2, 2009

Supermen, By The Kaptain

This song is about the way in which children can be used as emotional weapons within failed relationships.
It was inspired by the individual experiences of some close friends of mine (you know who you are…)
The embittered woman sings the verses; the bellicose male responds in the choruses (in italics).
After the second chorus, the outro (a kind of chant) hints at some form of spiritual reconciliation, as it is sung in harmony by both…

“You say you’ve nothing left to give
This burden cannot be endured
But all the hate I feel inside
Means I will always ask for more

You say you want to stay a friend
That we could share the odd embrace
But when I look at you with her
My hateful heart spits in your face

All the pain, the rage
You suck from their souls
These Supermen will overcome
And your hold over
Their beautiful sons
These Supermen will overcome

You say your life is not a void
Your heart is happy and not sad
But it’s not hard to see the truth
Etched in your face, an absent Dad

And once the boy has flow the nest
Is old enough to form a plan
Will he seek out his long-lost father?
Or attempt to kill the old man?

All the pain, the rage
You suck from their souls
These Supermen will overcome
And your hold over
Their beautiful sons
These Supermen will overcome

Because he’ll be no Superman…
He will not become a Superman…
Let him not become…
Another Superman…”

posted by Kirk at 4:26 am  

Friday, November 21, 2008

Without Trace, By The Kaptain

For David Blackburn, wherever you are…

Did you go to ground
Harried by the hounds?
Did it seem, that day
Like the only way?

Vanish without trace…
To some quieter place…

Did they bite your heels –
Agents of ill-will?
Was it never clear
That we shared your fears?

Vanish without trace…
To a better place…

Was it stubborn pride
Made you run and hide?
Don’t you know your friends
Would have helped you then?

Vanish without trace…
To an unknown place…

You’re missed, my friend
Please send a sign
To show us you’re alive…
Return again
To make us smile –
We’ll help you to survive…

posted by Kirk at 10:32 pm  
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